Nothing is stirring..not even a mouse

It's nearly midnight, and as usual I'm up, waiting for Brigitta to fall in deep sleep. She usually does after her feeding but I will also rock with her in the rocking chair after she stops feeding. That helps too.

Truthfully, I didn't feel a strong bonding right after she was born. But, like people said, it will come and it goes both ways. She has to learn how to trust us too while we have to learn how to trust ourselves with her.  Now, as I hold her in my arms, rocking her to sleep, I feel this overwhelming love for this small being.  And an overwhelming urge to protect her from all the bad things in this world.

Mother's day is coming and for the first time, I'm qualified and it is still surreal. I don't know if Motherhood is for everyone and I won't push people to be a parent, but for me it's a humbling experience and oh so wonderful, and I feel blessed.  I wish there's no wars, that the world is not having pressures on its current ecosystem, that all humans are equipped with a healthy dose of self worth and self esteem, and that there's no poverty, hunger, crime. 

I have always wondered what do I tell my child on why I brought her to such a crazy world. But, it's this joy, those sparks of joy in life that sometimes is so hard to acquire but when we have it, it just fills us up, it makes us feel alive.  Plus, I want her to feel the love in this world, the happiness, and to learn the knowledge that feeds our thirst of curiosity.  To look at the beauty of nature and thank the Creator. To have friends that are loyal to the end, and learn about family ties that are so hard to break.  The struggle of life is also part of the joy in life. It's such an ironic, oxymoronic thing. 

So, in this quiet night as I feel her breathing, seeing her laugh in her dreams at goodness knows what in her young age,  I had to write this, of how much I feel and care for her and that I understand what Kevin had realized way before I did, he said he can't imagine life without her. I can't imagine that either.